Paralyze The Pain, Not My Soul.

1st, shoutouts to Digs, EOP and LMK for your comments on the last post. I appreciate y'all a bunch!

I went back to my doctor this morning. The Elavil medicine didn't do a damn thing for pain after 2 weeks of taking it. It kept draining me and putting me to sleep while making me depress. It was also a depressant...but most depressants do the exact opposite when taken by a person who is not depressed. smh ugh, anyway. I couldn't get the vibe to do music at all. I tried forcing it...nothing....420 a few times....nothing. I actually started thinking I lost interest in music but I was just in zombie-mode from the meds...which was all the time.

So...I'm on no meds right now. I have to wait a week for my tests to come back on my liver and then my doc is going to prescribe me a low dose of Vicodin. I also have an appointment to see a pain specialist next month. So at least actions are being made to get this disorder controlled...whatever form it may be. All thanks to my mother:)

Speaking of my mother, she found a medicine called LDN, but not all major medical companies are prescribing it. Mom...being the resourceful person she is...got some shipped from India and is trying it out for herself. I'm going to next to see if anything happens before I get my Vicodin script.

After I stopped taking the Elavil 2 days ago, the music vibe came back. I think I'm still shaking off the meds a bit but each day I feel more energetic. Now I can return to these projects. I got a lot of catching up to do.

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Paralyzed Soul

The last two weeks have been rough. My muscle disorder...rather it may be Fibromyalgia or some other kind...has been very active. I don't know if it's the sudden weather change far as the snow, the wind, the cold air itself or if my muscles just like fucking w/ me. Whatever it is, it needs to end.

I've been going to the doctor as of late...thanks to my mother (I love you) to finally get this problem neutralized as much as possible. I might have a lever problem but I'm banking it was from all the Tylenols I was taking for the night pain that wouldn't let me sleep. Far as the muscle problem, not much has been found out but my Doc has put me on some meds for it...Amitriptyline or Elavil. I got them Friday morning and so far it hasn't done anything for pain. It has no problems knocking me to sleep though. It also leaves me feeling drained. If it wasn't for the neighbors blasting Spanish music...the kind when every beat is the exact same fucking pattern(hi-kick,low-kick,high-kick,low,kick)...I would of stayed knocked out for most of the day. Oddly enough I had to "420" just to get my balance back. I'm suppose to give my body a while to get use to the meds, so it's too early to judge.

But it has made music-production harder within just two days. I feel like I'm chained & bound by the medication(hence, the pic above). Mind you, the meds are suppose to be an anti-depressant & a relief for chronic pain....none of that shit has happen yet. Have you ever seen or known someone who was diagnosed with A.D.D. and then was prescribed Ritalin? And once the Ritalin is taken, the person seems like someone has stolen their active energy. Yea, kinda of feeling like that...just drained.

I hope this smooths out soon...I still have a beat-folder I'm finishing up for Signif and the "Music Colored Red" project w/ Justin. Both are very close to being complete. So...if these meds keep draining me down I'll just "420" my balance back and get to work. After burning one earlier tonight I managed to get 3 beats done.

Ahh, my left ear just kicked back in. Yesterday after I took my 1st pill from the meds, my left ear got damn near def...and it just suddenly un-plugged itself...*shrugs*...it works now, fuck it.

Been trying to keep the blog as active as possible. But just know any time that I'm quiet...it usually means I'm head-deep into finishing music....my other medicine.

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Awaken By Pain At 3:11 am

Went to sleep at 12am last night/this morning...whatever. Waiting for these pm pills to knock me back to sleep and for this DMSO medicine to kick it that I got in the mail earlier this week.(thanx, mom. love you)

While I'm up I'm thinking of other ways to spread this music out far as the internet route. Not with the beat-tapes but for my vocal-rap-project that I've been taking my time on. Using the bandcamp.com to host it is one of the things I will do. The whole "datpiff.com" mixtape website is also a route but I doubt it will be helpful...but I will still do it. I need to find more hip-hop sites or blogs that are willing to post music from artists who are not signed...and that are actually good of course. I wouldn't try to spread this project out if it wasn't my best effort. For the fact I'm not doing for attention to get a deal...for more of a fact I would be extremely pissed if I got looked at for rapping instead of my production craft. Sign me a production deal anytime...I am not a rapper. My lyrical art is my hobby and I'm willing to share to anyone who likes my taste in music.

Since the beginning of this year I've been honing my rapping craft. Admittedly I don't feel that I'm as good in rapping as I am in making beats. On the positive note of things outside opinions say that I am. One thing I am sure of is that the quality is superb. My mixing ability has surpass the "Accept My Sound" results...specially with the new studio setup I've created recently. Padded booth and all. M-Audio mic of course (the makers of Pro Tools). My lyrics are pass rookie level...not surprising being that I've been writing since I was the age of 11...just was too shy to come out with it openly. One of my people's people said I was a lyrical-weaver after hearing my "Black&Mild Muzik" track...meaning I knit many rhyme patterns in my flow. That's just my way of trying not to be boring. I hate boring and simple flow patterns...another reason why I abandoned radio hip-hop. I shouldn't be able to predict a rapper's bars before the end of the bar itself. Smh...a lot of those so called "artists" are real lazy with the creativity. Imagine if Van Gogh was lazy with paintings....no detail...no color...better yet no emotion, no vision.

No emotion and no vision is part of the problem with mainstream music these days. Well...I refuse to add on to that problem.

Granted that the project I'm working on won't be clean far as content or curse words...but it'll be real. No stunting about money, diamonds, sex and women. More about problems I've had, past events that I've never shared with anyone, current events, hidden thoughts, etc. Warning, it is sort of an hippie project....meaning damn near every song you can smoke a blunt to...but the content is not about "smoking weed"...but I do touch upon that subject. Overall it's an positive project...well, there is a few tracks where I just vent off angry....at least it's creative/poetry like angry though.

Oh...I'm also making an "radio friendly" version of the project...where I creativity hide the curse words or edited them out without killing the mood of each song. But the profanity isn't as heavy as I make it seem. I don't think I've said the word "fuck" even once yet. The "nigga" word is purposely avoided. I'm pass that stage. So far just a few "shit's" and "damn's" lol.

Bout to try this sleep thing again. Politic w/ y'all soon.
Hit me back.

-Gambitt-

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The Rise & Fall...

1st, I would like to thank everyone who commented in the last post. All input was very useful. I've updated the music-player with a few beats, I'll throw some more up this weekend. Download the SoultapeLvLZer0 to your right if you haven't already.

"SoultapeLvL3: The Burning Ace" will be my last beat-tape which I will release sometime during the summer. Reasons why are mainly I want to focus on giving my best to the artists I've been lucky to work with rather than just throwing out beats for any or everyone to use. And I often fear people not giving me the proper credit. I work hard on my music....someone claiming it as there work just breaks my heart thinking about it. Also, if all goes well with my plan for a release this month...there really won't be a need for me to just put out beat-tapes....but the sound of "Soultapes" will continue in my vocal-projects.

"Code 4:20" ...my vocal-rap project...title subject to change as the project progresses. But as the current title hints, it will be a smoker-based-project...w/ soul of course. If this goes the way I want it to go, the "Soultape" series will pick up from here. So as I said, the title may change.
I'm aiming for 10-12 tracks, completely produced by me. Most of the production is complete, it's the recording I have to knock out. The thing that is messing with me is that I could possible lose the little sanity I have left while writing and recording. What most people don't find out about me is that, it's not that I cannot write, rhyme or rap. It's that I don't normally take it upon myself to focus on it. Making beats relaxes me. I get lost in the music rather then visiting thoughts that are in my head. The "visiting thoughts in my head" part is what I fear. I have a lot of hidden anger and issues stored. And writing makes it all come back.

A few months ago Precyse and myself was toying with the idea of doing a project together with both of us flowing over a hand-picked selection of Fat Jon beats. We recorded two songs, the 1st was ok. Then the 2nd one....I blacked. That's the side that worries me. I lost my composure within seconds. I became very angry. That dark side has gotten me into a lot of trouble and I've hurt a few people who I intended no harm in my past. Granted, I was in pain while recording and I feel that's what might have made me enter that vibe but before the pain was as bad as it is at my current age, back in my teens I wasn't in as much pain or as often but I would find myself in that dark vibe. I've worked hard to not go that route anymore, but that fucker finds ways to drag me back in. In the past, people in general made me that way.....the physical pain of today is like a broken temper switch that cuts on with or without the help of people. ::Sighs:: ....but anyway. I'm always getting the push to do this project from associates, artists that I work with, family/true friends, old friends that have heard me flow from my teenage years....even my mother. So I'm going to try it. But...........
.............
.........
......
...don't say I didn't warn you.

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...Back From Kinetic Hell

Monday and Tuesday I had the worst fibro-attack ever.
Monday night my wisdom tooth started to bother me...no big deal normally. Pop a Tylenol and deal with it. 1-2am Tuesday morning I'm up with a migraine of all migraines. The right side of my face had the sharpest pain I ever felt. I couldn't sleep, the more I moved the more it hurt. Then the bad part happens...my neck started to sting, then my right shoulder, then my right arm. Not even realizing it I'm on the floor punching a fan into the corner of my studio setup. That feeling of pain felt as if I had four sharp silver-spears stabbed into me.

....I rather be shot then go thru that again....

I remember being on my knees holding myself. P.A. was here also. I can tell he didn't know what to do. I started to get up and walk to the hospital, P.A. went with me but when we got outside my knees started to buckle and the pain was too much. My room mates wanted to call an ambulance...I wouldn't let them....why....cause I'm hard headed. I have my reasons I just don't want to state them. When we got back into the house I just sat in-front of the open window in the "Danger Room" and let the cold air from outside hit my face. I don't know why but that settled my body down. At least enough to were I could lay down and pass out...I did just that.

Tuesday night....same headache...no body pain though. I found these pills my mom gave to me 2-3 months ago. I hid them from myself. She told me to take them on the more-painful days cause they will also make your stomach hurt. Took six of those and that did it. Today I woke up painless....so painless that if felt like I was high...cause I'm not useto having no pain at all. My arm started to hurt later on but that's normal compared what I had to ride with this week.

So now it's back to music...I did this beat before the epic nights started. It's for sale. Shout out to LittleMissNobody for posting the original sample on her blog.

...and check the website if interested in more of my beats that are currently for sale.....CLICK HERE



::::Leaves Kinetic Card::::
:::Explodes:::
::Gambitt::

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...Still Here...4 Better Or Worst...

....long time no blog...a lot to catch up to...

1st off, Walmart decided to give me there greatest treatment to royally fucking me over and firing me for allegedly failing the 90 day employment-probation-period due to not following requested instructions. Meaning I refused when asked to go outside and push carts. I'm a cashier...that's the position I applied and was hired for.

For anyone who is not aware, I have a muscle disorder...so I cannot do any heavy lifting or pushing. When I do my muscles feel like they're setting them self's on fire from the inside of my skin. I have days with no work or effort and my arms, legs, shoulders will just randomly go in pain. It's hard for me to hide when something is physically bothering me...my face says it all.

So, on days that I'm feeling pain free I didn't mind going to push carts...a chance to get outside for a minute and move around...cause it hurts just standing behind the register for a few hours. But days when I'm having one of my pain-days...I can't...I've tried at a previous job and dropped an 42 inch LCD tv while in pain.
So on the 3rd time of me saying no to one of the CSM's, I was brought into the management office for "termination", in there words. I disputed the hell out of that course of action to the personnel-staff. According to them, every Walmart employee has to be able to do all job functions or request regardless of position assigned. Then what the fuck is the point of having job-positions? Also, according to the "Training Booklet" I have to have medical documentation of my disorder from my current doctor in order to be passed as in having to preform certain job tasks...such as pushing carts. I have no health insurance so I have no current doctor...which is what I was working towards being at Walmart.

To add-on to what happen before this random act of fuckary, I haven't received my check from last pay period neither. Walmart has supposedly stop doing the whole paper-check thing to save money...whatever. So they will either perform the direct-deposit to your bank-account or if you don't have an bank-account they will give you a Visa-debit-Walmart Card and your checks will go directly to that card. I went on to Walmart's "The Wire" service which is on Walmart's intranet server and activated the card and completed the setup. I have received nothing and was told that my check will arrive on my card the next pay period. Supposedly, I didn't activate my card soon enough for the process to link to my last pay-period. But I activated the account the day the card was given to me......yea......aiight.

Not completely job-less. The only good news....the beat-site I spoke of awhile back is up and ready....
Click Here
....so if you, friends, family or whoever are in need of great quality yet cheap beats...visit the site. The styles of beats vary and more are being added asap so check us out.

Music Update?...projects, projects and more projects. Have no clue on what's getting finished 1st but it's coming.

Remember....
thebeatboxbrokers.tumblr.com

Back on my blogger shit.....

::::Leaves Kinetic Card::::
:::Explodes:::
::Gambitt::

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Music Update, Personal Stuff, Blah Blah Blah...

The Music
-Pretty much due to the increase of my work on music, it has also decreased my blogging activity. But I do plan to change that. P.A. and I have setup a home studio at my spot...nicknamed "The Danger Room"(See X-Men comics or movies). We've been catching up on a past summer project as well as an new EP to send out to someone of interest that may take P.A. on for music training. I hope he gets it...with the music we've been making lately...I'ma kinda acting like he already has that slot. So by the end of this month there will be an EP on this blog with new music...finally lol.

-Another EP that is in the works with my boy Precyse, Geoh and myself titled "The Danger Room Sessions" is coming together better than I idealized. That may also be out by the end of the month. Oh and it's completely produced by......little ol' me.

-Justin Allen has been on a "revenge of music"-type grind lately. All quality songs, I will say that without a problem. I'mma post up a few gems he recently released. Some produced by me also.

-"SoultapeLvL2"...I don't know when I'mma put that together honestly with all the random projects I'm trying to be apart of. But I do want to have it out by the end of the year. I do know that I want to have it close to 50/50...1/2 beats, 1/2 artists flowing over my beats. If I can get my pen & flow game to mesh once again maybe a few joints from myself. But we shall see. I'm mainly focus on honing my production and mixing skills. "SoultapeLvL2" will blow some minds away...reason why? "LvL1"...as nice of a mix of my work as it may be with no ego in saying so...it's a poor representation of what I can CURRENTLY do. I've upgraded so much since I made that project.

Personal Stuff
-My moms is going to have to have surgery again to have a piece of cancerous skin removed. This is like the 4th time...or at least of the ones that I know of. Mom's is private about her personal well being....or maybe she just doesn't want me to worry. Either way I'm always thinking about her even though I come off as a self-preserved loner. It's hard to be intact with people all the time when your muscles are on fire 1/2 of the day ...more or less depending on the day. Don't want to take it out on the very few I care for, most importantly my mother. We've done enough "taking out of each other" in the past of my child/teenage years.

Anyway, I've had a few nightmares of her leaving. One of the frequent ones is me visiting her tombstone reading "loving mother of a disappointing son". I've had an extreme rate of fuck up's in my teens and I'm still recovering. Music has change my mentality in that I can do something useful and productive. I just want my mom to have that one moment where she can point and smile...telling someone "yea, that's my son right there. I'm so proud". Rather than me being a common clone of my father...who also is musically talented. But he "let his high be his low" and now is in Louisiana pulling whenever he can to make it. Grand-mom told me I wasn't born to be a poor man...what I didn't realize back then is what she meant was not in money, but as in inside of myself.

My want of a blunt is becoming less and less. One, cause I need a job badly. Two, creating music has kinda replaced it I think. The only time I have a urge for one is when I'm having a painful day. It doesn't fix the pain but it helps ignore it. Kinda like...."my shoulder is hurting like hell....(the high kicks in)....and,....so" lol
The plan, next official job, get health insurance. Get the prescribed meds.
Random thought: Wouldn't being addictive to those be worst than weed?
Bad enough I can't even sleep without a fuckin' Tylenol-PM.

Speaking of a sleep.....I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW. Politic with ya'll soon.
New music is on the way, asap!

::::Leaves Kinetic Card:::
:::Explodes:::
::Gambitt::

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I Am Gambitt / Preview Of "SoultapeLvL2"

Most people would say I side with the X-Men character Gambit strictly because him and I are both Cajun/Creole and we're both from Louisiana. It isn't that simple even though I wish it was.

Gambit has the mutant power to kinetically charge objects with a touch or straight forward eye-slight of an object. Inside of him is kinetic-energy building up which if he doesn't keep down to a certain balance he runs with a possibility of exploding and killing not only himself but the people around him. The balance is kept by releasing kinetic energy through outward charges.

Myself...I have pain that builds up. Psychical pain all through out my muscles. Its an muscle disorder call Fibromyalgia. It is a medically unexplained syndrome characterized by chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to pressure. I've dealt with this since my early memories as a child. At times when this pain builds up I feel as if I'm about to explode....in a rage. A rage to be painless again and a rage to set fire to anyone near me while in pain...meaning I want to be left alone while in intense pain. So I kinda indirectly take it out on people who don't take to my warning that I need to be alone while having one of my more painful moments.

In the same way that Gambit from the X-Men comics releases charges to keep from exploding by kinetic build-up....I release music to vent out my pain from within...mainly psychical but even emotional. I charge up my pain and release it through my beats.

Early this week I had one of my more painful attacks. Usually when I have one of my pain attacks its one or two parts of my body that's hurting. It feels like my muscles are on fire from the inside out. This time is was my entire right arm, in between my right shoulder to my neck, my left thigh muscle, my lower left side of my back and the center of my chest all felt like they were on fire at once. Instead of laying down in pain and trying to move as less as possible which is what I would do normally, I forced myself on to FL Studio 9 and proceeded to make the following beat that you will find at the bottom of this post. I feel as if I transformed my pain into sound format and it screamed into the beat. It's a half-sample...meaning I found a 5 second clip that was in a drum-kit pack that I downloaded, took the piano melody and added my own melody while chopping in completely new melodies...and I turned the piano into an guitar with the new Hardcore filter in FL Studio 9. In other words I did what I felt. I was in tears of pain while doing it but I did it and completed it. This is what was made...


This is the official preview of "SoultapeLvL2:Play The Hand I Was Dealt"...

Electrical Tearz - Gambitt

::::Leaves Kinetic Card::::
:::Explodes:::
:Gambitt:

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