Friday, February 10, 2012

5AM Update...

For the people who like my music, I apologize once again for my lack of releases and internet absence. I can at least offer an update on what's going down.

The Old & Currently Leaving

My muscle disorder (whatever it is officially or un-officially) has gotten no better.
It's always worst in the winter but last year I didn't get much of a break between seasons. I've tried a few different meds' and far nothing is working. What's worst is I'm suffering from heavy depression.

When I create my music, that usually handles my depression or anything that bothers me, period. But with the pain being as frequent as it is thru-out my entire body (....I actually miss when only my arms, thigh muscles and right shoulder only burned), it's hard to be creative when some part of your body is burning on the inside out...I hate the pulse ones. (The "burning-like-pain" feeling comes in and out to the pattern of my heart-beat)

Writing my songs is a struggle. It all involves pain. I can drop a project right this second completely filled with painful recordings and depression. I don't want to spread that...I want to spread out soulful hippie music...or 420 music. Just music with soul in general. A honest pain song is good for occasions, but not an entire 12-tracks or so project of them.

The only thing that hasn't completely stopped is my beat-making. Though, it has slowed down a lot compared to my old routine. I'm use to making 2-3 beats a day, if not a little more depending on the vibes or the project. Now, it's completely random. I'm lucky if I can make 1 beat a day now.

Sadly to say, it looks like the weed is the only thing that keeps the little creation that is happening....and I don't like that. Granted, I've made certain beats that I fell in love w/ while smacked, but I've also made more than a few gems sober. Then to add to that, I'm not one of those "get high and rap" artists....I've tried more than a few times to write and record while smacked. I come off so ignorant that I may as well write for Wiz Kahlifa...or however you spell his name. If it was important, I would of simply googled it.

The New & In Progress
I'm trying to figure out my next move in doing something about the pain. I'm not for medical-test that cause pain. I have a fear of electrocution and one of the test involves that. I backed out the last appointment...during that appointment I was in heavy pain and the thought of more pain made me have an "episode". Might have to go back to the Vicodin route...standard pain relievers were/are not an option.

On the depression note, I am self aware....which is a good thing, actually doing things to help. I've cut down my smoking to 2 blunts a day. One for when I wake up in pain if needed, one after work or before I go to sleep to help ignore the pain while trying to go to sleep. Hopefully this will also bring my tolerance down. Lately, I've been needing the top-shelf heavy grade just to catch a buzz. Mid-grade hasn't been a option for 5 years now, so no. I'm not messing with low-grade, just too use to the high-grade.

Changes at home...won't speak on that until it happens but I'm excited. Big changes work for me for some reason. Or maybe I just really want this one and specially at this time. It also benefits my recording (my original Danger Room VA will be online again). I also get the chance to help out with my mother and her home on a full basis. I'm looking forward to this change. That and I want to help my mother to be a bit more happier. I hate what she has had to deal with. Both from life and what I've brought to the table. And me hiding in the shadows of my pain and depression hasn't help anything as well.

......spent an hour and some change typing this and it ain't even 1/2 of what I have to get off my chest. Maybe I'll add a continue tomorrow after work. back.


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